(ENTER) Gerald White
by Tlgrimn
Summary: Crack AU: If Buckbeak could change his identity then gosh darn it so could Sirius. After all, it’s not like wizards have DNA tests.


**_AN: I'm so sorry. I saw a tumblr post about this idea and I couldn't resist. Enjoy I guess_**?

••••

Sirius's mind was racing. Oh crap, oh crap. _Crappidy crap crapcrapcrap_ -

To put it simply, he was screwed. He wasn't fast enough to escape, and the floating black bed sheets of doom were going to find him any second and give him a big 'ol smooch.

 _/secretly_ _he thinks that it's karma at play, dying from a kiss. He knew he shouldn't have cheated on Rebecca, kissing booth or not/_

"What am I going to do? What to do? What to do!" he muttered to himself, panicked out of his mind. He did not want to go back that death hole of a prison, and he most certainly did not want his friggin soul sucked out! He couldn't apparate, he couldn't fly, he couldn't-

Suddenly he was struck with an old memory. It… it was James, fall of their fifth year. They were about to get caught for their best prank yet. There was nowhere to hide...so they didn't. James was laughing. "They can't catch us if we don't run," he said with a wild grin. "We just happened to stumble on this new mural of Professor Gladeglook's nose. They can't prove anything!"

An idea floated to the top of his thoughts. It was stupid. It was so, incredibly stupid.

...And it just might work. Sirius grinned. He was going to need Remus, but this might actually work.

 _/his family always had a leaning towards the insane. may as well embrace it./_

••••

"There he is!" Snape said, relieved that for once something turned out right.The convict in question turned around to reveal...glasses? His hair, now well brushed, was held in a low ponytail at the nape of his neck. He was wearing what was clearly Remus's jacket, elbow patches and all. What was the meaning of this?

"I'm sorry," the man replied in a very bad impression of a minnesotan accent. "I can't imagine what some fine fellows like you would be looking for me don't cha know?"

Snape froze. What the-

"Ah Minister Fudge! A pleasure to see you again!" Remus cried with a very unconvincing smile. "This is my cousin from the states, Gerald White," he said while gesturing to the glasses wearing man beside him.

"What- You can't be serious!" the potion master spewed in outrage. "That man is Sirius Black!" They couldn't really think they would fall for this!

The apparent cousin of Remus scrunched his face in confusion. "I'm sorry but ah, I don't understand. How can I be both Sirius and not Sirius?" he paused before adding "don't cha know."

Snape's eye twitched. "Why has he not been kissed yet?" he asked, seething in rage.

That was an excellent question. The dementors had yet to make an attempt at a soul sucking make-out session. They just were floating in a corner, like an awkward 9th grader at prom.

"I think," Fudge said slowly, "that they do not know if this man is in fact, Sirius Black."

"Yah of course I'm not Sirius Black! I'm Gerald don't cha know!" The man in question cried, his accent once again unconvincing.

The dementors seemed to accept this statement and began to slowly drift out the room. The occupants of the room watched them float away in shocked silence.

"...Well I guess that answers that," Fudge said finally.

"No it doesn't! That man is clearly a wanted criminal!" Snape snapped in frustration.

Snape's normally ghastly pallor resembled the hair of a Weasley. His eye was twitching and his lips were curled in a extreme snarl. He was literally shaking with rage. Overall the Head of the Slytherin house was quite a disturbing sight, even more so than usual!

"Of course he isn't, Sirius Black doesn't wear glasses. That doesn't make much sense," Remus scoffed.

"Have him take off his glasses then!"

"He can't, Gerald needs them to see."

"He is Black!" Snape bit out.

"No I'm White, yeah" Gerald piped up. Snape had to be physically restrained by the Minister.

Speaking of the Minister, he was feeling very confused and tired. This whole Sirius Black thing had been a giant mess from the beginning. He was ready to give up. Fudge was reasonably sure that there was no way to prove that this "Gerald White" was not in fact, Remus Lupin's long lost cousin from Minnesota. If the convict wanted a new start then let him have it. He was too exhausted to deal with this crap.

"Professor Snape," He started. "I think this had been a simple case of mistaken identity. Mr. White seems to be a perfectly respectable member of the magical community. It was unreasonable of us to keep bothering this poor man any longer."

Fudge began to guide the potion master towards to door. Snape pushed back and began yelling "IT'S BLACK! IT'S BLACK! HE'S NOT EVEN FROM MINNESOTA!"

"Now don't speak nonsense, how would you know that? You've never even been to Minnesota," The Prime Minister chastised.

Snape kept on thrashing and yelling, and Fudge-who was surprisingly strong (or perhaps Snape was surprisingly weak)-slowly pushed him outside the room.

"Have a nice day don't cha know!" Gerald said waving at Snape's frothing face.

Both men let out a sigh of relief the moment the door closed.

"I...I don't...I can't believe that actually worked."

"What do mean? Of course it was going to work, it was my butt on the line after all."

Remus leveled a stare. "Don't tell me for a second that wasn't a long shot."

The newly dubbed Minnisodian shrugged. "The craziest ideas are often the best ideas."

"You're insane."

"Runs in the family." Gerald slung an arm around the other man's shoulder. "Speaking of family, you got to tell me more about yours. I am your cousin after all," he said with a grin.

Remus sighed. _My life just got a whole lot more interesting._

 **END**

 ** _AN: And there you have it folks. I hope you found the idea as amusing as I did. This is a one shot for now but if people actually like this and are interested I might write more._**


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